The 50th Shade

I didn’t like to admit things. Keeping it grey-ish seemed to be reminiscent of a true Libra & sounded totally me, at least for the past 10 years anyways.

When I was in my teens till infancy stage of my career, I didn’t care too much about most things. My score, my job, my credit, my family, my sanity, my attitude, my feelings, your feelings; basically you threw a bone at me & I’d still bite you.

Why? It’s simple. I truly didn’t care. I was selfish & I liked it. There was no need to change.

For the past 10 years though, I cared too much about everything. I needed balance, I needed to be seen as smart, I needed to be not hated, I needed attention, I needed validation, I needed to be good & be not discovered bad; I needed A LOT. I want to say it sounds normal but I know it really isn’t right.

step 1: realization

I am the kind of person who likes to analyze everything even my own self, so I’m confident enough to say I know myself a fair bit. I really didn’t enjoy admitting things.


When asked “what’s your favorite food”, I’d say “I eat everything” but in reality I don’t, & I like sushi & Nissin instant noodles & Calbee chips & dim sum & egg tart & a bunch more, with CLEAR preference than the “everything” else.

When asked “who’s your favorite singer”, I’d say “I enjoy a wide selection of genres & I don’t have any idol” but clearly some pieces from Sia & Adele & Sam Smith & specific ballet songs get me tears almost every single time & their lyrics speak to me so preferences were there. (I do enjoy a wide selection though, I must admit)

But I didn’t say I like ______. Be it food, music, or even people.

admitting means coloring it black or white

Realizing is very different from admitting – the R is inside you waiting for you to wrap & ribbon before presenting, the A is thrown naked out there for people to judge.

Having extra leeway makes me feel safer. I can be on the 1st shade or the 50th, but I’m still grey. When it’s black I could say it’s the 2nd shade of grey & I’m still close enough; when it’s white even I did 46th it’s still good; but when it’s a clear silver & I said white? I’m wrong.

It’s a no-brainer to pick 50 choices than 2. So it’s just intuitive to not admit, but smudge.

admitting means you now have less to choose & more to lose

What if I said I like egg tarts & the person attach me to the low value? If he knows all my favorites are junk food would he think I’m not good enough for fine dining? Would we be eating street food more & good food less? What if I picked meat & he’s a vegan? What if my Lily A retires & her Katy P continues to rise, would she talk down on me? What if I admitted liking someone & wasn’t reciprocated?

in life, not-losing isn’t winning

You are good enough but you aren’t winning, because you just have too much to lose & you fell back to grey. You will always be on the same side if you never have faith & isn’t ready to get hurt a little from time to time. Being too safe & too risk adverse will hurt you some time down the road.

one brick at a time

At the cute age of 35, I’m back in full form of not taking it too seriously, with a little maturity to act on it meticulously.

Admitting but at the same time take the opportunity to share some feelings, bridge some gaps, connect some dots; breakdown walls so letting loose what’s hidden inside you, & save space for better stuff.

I know I’m doing it right as I would have tears coming down whenever I get my heartfelt emotions out one of these days, as opposed to saying things in a blank face in past years as if they mattered.

If by any chance you are reading this, I wish you can share a little more, admit a little more, & move on faster & further.


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